[It's been a couple days. Closer to a week, she thinks. She hasn't really been keeping track. Everyone was naturally understanding of her needing a bit to take care of not just herself but of Rakan. She of course took him home upon their celebratory return.
There was the natural tending to injuries. Brushing out of feathers and dabbing some of the deeper cuts that had been inflicted with no mention that every hurt on either of them was done by the other. It was best not to think about that. So she keeps her lips pursed and does her work while he is... himself. She's grateful that he is. That'll it be easier to push past what happened if they act like it never happened. This horrible tragedy in their history doesn't need any dredging up.
That night, she curls up next to him completely exhausted and relieved. And it feels like home for the first time. Xayah holds on to him tight as if he'll slip away in the middle of the night. That she'll awake and he'll be gone and it was all a dream.
But morning comes and he is still there. And she believes that everything is going to be fine. It's not a thought that lasts very long.
Something is off. At first she tries not to acknowledge it and push through the next few days hoping it's just this new growing pain. But it doesn't fade. Something is not quite fitting right. They're not slotting back into the way things used to be. And that is genuinely terrifying. It's when she talks to him and he is his usual bravado self is when she feels that things aren't right the most. In this weird way it's like they're still separated from one another. Like reaching out for him and there's this glass between them.
Like... she's simply watching him pretend to be who he once was. Or... Maybe she's the one pretending? She honestly can't tell. Maybe he is fine from the ordeal and its her that isn't quite right anymore. The darkness that still lingers next to her light. The thoughts begin to tumble... Did he escape without any darkness? Can she stand by him tainted as she is? And it's thoughts like this that will cause her to spiral once more so she does not entertain them for very long. She knows, she knows now, that she can exist with both within.
But can she exist with him as she is? Will he try and do something foolish and try and save her again? There's this strange sense of doubt that comes with his return. The things that were said to one another during their time apart. The hurts they caused. The misery and pain... She did not anticipate having to confront it once she got what she was chasing for so long. Are they to ignore it and pretend things are fine?
She tries. She tries to be who she was before because that's who he loves. But she doesn't quite feel like that person anymore. She went and grew into something a little different while he was gone. They're out of sync.
Maybe, she reasons, they just need to get out and be with their friends. Things will start to feel normal again. Meet the team. Get back in a rhythm. She finds the girls on the roof happily training and improving their skill sets. And they stop everything to hurry over. They ask a flurry of questions, well, Seraphine asks a lot of questions. They're mostly about Rakan and if he's okay. If they're enjoying being together once more. And how it nice must be. But her enthusiasm that was so brilliantly bright upon seeing them slowly trails off from both herself and the others as watch the two reunited lovers.
Plastic is the word that Orianna would use. And Senna keeps her thoughts to herself but watches intently. It's Seraphine, after quite a bit of this, that just blurts out what the rest are thinking.
"Have you two, like, talked at all about..." She flails a bit. "Anything?"
Xayah feels herself stiffen in her place beside Rakan. Is it that obvious? Enough so that other people, people who don't even know Rakan, can tell that they're off? Not quite right?
A part of her wants to scream. She may do that later regardless. But she sits there like she's been struck by lightening, mourning all the more that it took so long to get Rakan back. So much so that they couldn't just fall back into place. That they are now at different tempos of a dance that neither can even claim to know anymore.]
There just hasn't been any reason to, really.
[She doesn't know what else to say. They've never really needed to before. Love, for them, has been natural and easy. Like a fairytale. Something that is written about in novels. It was pure and right and there's a reason they're connected as Star Guardians. But being corrupted, dying, falling... being apart for as long as they had...
What if she loses him again? Not due to death. Or anything like that. But just because she's too different. The wounds they caused each other too deep. What would she even do then? She's been away from him for so long that having to be apart again creates an echo of an ache. She can't. And she's not about to have a conversation that creates a reason for that. Not yet... She can't talk about it yet.]
We're fine, really. Just getting our footing again. That part can be a little tricky. But really. Everything is fine.
[She's not certain anyone believes her though. She certainly doesn't believe herself.]
So pardon me while you fade whoever you used to be
There was the natural tending to injuries. Brushing out of feathers and dabbing some of the deeper cuts that had been inflicted with no mention that every hurt on either of them was done by the other. It was best not to think about that. So she keeps her lips pursed and does her work while he is... himself. She's grateful that he is. That'll it be easier to push past what happened if they act like it never happened. This horrible tragedy in their history doesn't need any dredging up.
That night, she curls up next to him completely exhausted and relieved. And it feels like home for the first time. Xayah holds on to him tight as if he'll slip away in the middle of the night. That she'll awake and he'll be gone and it was all a dream.
But morning comes and he is still there. And she believes that everything is going to be fine. It's not a thought that lasts very long.
Something is off. At first she tries not to acknowledge it and push through the next few days hoping it's just this new growing pain. But it doesn't fade. Something is not quite fitting right. They're not slotting back into the way things used to be. And that is genuinely terrifying. It's when she talks to him and he is his usual bravado self is when she feels that things aren't right the most. In this weird way it's like they're still separated from one another. Like reaching out for him and there's this glass between them.
Like... she's simply watching him pretend to be who he once was. Or... Maybe she's the one pretending? She honestly can't tell. Maybe he is fine from the ordeal and its her that isn't quite right anymore. The darkness that still lingers next to her light. The thoughts begin to tumble... Did he escape without any darkness? Can she stand by him tainted as she is? And it's thoughts like this that will cause her to spiral once more so she does not entertain them for very long. She knows, she knows now, that she can exist with both within.
But can she exist with him as she is? Will he try and do something foolish and try and save her again? There's this strange sense of doubt that comes with his return. The things that were said to one another during their time apart. The hurts they caused. The misery and pain... She did not anticipate having to confront it once she got what she was chasing for so long. Are they to ignore it and pretend things are fine?
She tries. She tries to be who she was before because that's who he loves. But she doesn't quite feel like that person anymore. She went and grew into something a little different while he was gone. They're out of sync.
Maybe, she reasons, they just need to get out and be with their friends. Things will start to feel normal again. Meet the team. Get back in a rhythm. She finds the girls on the roof happily training and improving their skill sets. And they stop everything to hurry over. They ask a flurry of questions, well, Seraphine asks a lot of questions. They're mostly about Rakan and if he's okay. If they're enjoying being together once more. And how it nice must be. But her enthusiasm that was so brilliantly bright upon seeing them slowly trails off from both herself and the others as watch the two reunited lovers.
Plastic is the word that Orianna would use. And Senna keeps her thoughts to herself but watches intently. It's Seraphine, after quite a bit of this, that just blurts out what the rest are thinking.
"Have you two, like, talked at all about..." She flails a bit. "Anything?"
Xayah feels herself stiffen in her place beside Rakan. Is it that obvious? Enough so that other people, people who don't even know Rakan, can tell that they're off? Not quite right?
A part of her wants to scream. She may do that later regardless. But she sits there like she's been struck by lightening, mourning all the more that it took so long to get Rakan back. So much so that they couldn't just fall back into place. That they are now at different tempos of a dance that neither can even claim to know anymore.]
There just hasn't been any reason to, really.
[She doesn't know what else to say. They've never really needed to before. Love, for them, has been natural and easy. Like a fairytale. Something that is written about in novels. It was pure and right and there's a reason they're connected as Star Guardians. But being corrupted, dying, falling... being apart for as long as they had...
What if she loses him again? Not due to death. Or anything like that. But just because she's too different. The wounds they caused each other too deep. What would she even do then? She's been away from him for so long that having to be apart again creates an echo of an ache. She can't. And she's not about to have a conversation that creates a reason for that. Not yet... She can't talk about it yet.]
We're fine, really. Just getting our footing again. That part can be a little tricky. But really. Everything is fine.
[She's not certain anyone believes her though. She certainly doesn't believe herself.]