Rakan || The Charmer (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
stickbow) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
carminacumulo2023-03-30 07:00 pm
stickbow) wrote in carminacumulo2023-03-30 07:00 pm
Entry tags:
So let's pretend a little longer
If anyone could flirt with falling, with death, with darkness in whatever sadistic form it could take, and come out alive, it had to be Rakan.
Not because he was some stupid, childish, too-good-to-be-true prince charming or some smarmy idiot that pretended to have terminal Main Character Syndrome just for the drama and entertainment of it. Not because it was some hidden-in-plain-view facade that he really was some kind of Main Character, like Lux or Lulu.
It had to be Rakan because, by very nature, he was always perfectly comfortable with light and darkness in equal measure. Underneath his wit and boyish charms, he didn't quite have what people called an old soul, but there was a natural sort of wisdom there. Just as the trees knew when to go dormant and when to bloom, Rakan seemed comfortable with light and darkness, and their mutable natures. Chaos wasn't bad, Light wasn't good. Sometimes it was, sometimes it wasn't. He moved through both realms with a natural ease.
---
He'd been playing games of cat-and-mouse with Xayah and a bunch of Star Guardians he hadn't crossed paths with in quite a long time. It was a game he excelled at, and had hitherto always run her in circles, dangling hope in her face like a carrot on a stick. Maybe this time she could be fast enough, maybe she was strong enough, maybe he didn't mean the things he said, maybe he didn't really mean the things he did. Maybe it was all just Zoe making him do it.
He couldn't let her get to him before.
Rakan knew himself, he knew that if Xayah got too close, he would throw everything away for her, even if it meant the death of the universe, if it was to make her smile, he would damn it all in a heartbeat.
He couldn't let her get too far away from him, either, or he might forget.
He might let himself get lost in Zoe's wrath and hurt. He might want to tear everything apart because the First Star didn't care how much he Z̴̡̫̳̫̙̞̯̘͎͗͑̑̂́̚͠ò̸̥̔͑̽͆ę̸̟͖̭͗͆̂̕̚ and Xayah H̵̨̼̘̓̔͝a̷̢̲̰͑r̴̜̦̳̤̭͉͗͌͋̅́̔p̶̫̭͎̳͍̱̮͑̑̔̄̑̓̅͝ͅ loved one another, and he might truly be gone, then.
Before leaving to find Nilah, Syndra was the one that told Ahri about Kai'sa.
---
Chess boards and fractured architecture floated in empty space. Somewhere off in the distance, an eternal night hid underneath a raging vortex of meteorites and debris of places long gone and forgotten--all of which, despite having neither eyes nor mouths, still felt like they were clawing to rip anyone who deign travel this realm into frayed pieces.
Rakan had almost been a one-man army. Well. Him and all of the void-hounds and other monsters that surrounded the two teams, anyway.
He had numbers on his side, but the monsters were suspiciously weak. Just distractions and busy work, always conveniently in the way when one of them almost had Rakan in their grasp.
Rakan never engaged Xayah directly, never properly. Sometimes sweep her up in a dance and remind her of the 'good old days,' but the second she twitched in his hold, he'd leap easily out of reach. It was always a few moments of attention paid especially to her, to taunt her. To tell her he's the best she ever had, and the best she'll never get. And then he was off again to one of the other Star Nerds. Two, three, four could engage him at a time, it didn't matter.
It wasn't that Rakan was particularly strong. He didn't need to be when he could just throw more minions at them. His skill had always been in his nimbleness and flashy nature, and how he danced around the battlefield. Ekko, Akali, and Kai'sa could get on top of him on occasion, but he'd just slip away to someone else with a rude gesture and a reminder that 'it wasn't their turn with him.'
He mocked any of the Star Guardians any time they reminded Xayah not to listen to him, that it's not really 'him.'
He toyed with them, his laughter a deep baritone that haunted this pocket of the chaos realm. True to a supervillain's rapport, of course. The difference between a criminal and a supervillain being, always, presentation.
But even as a fallen star guardian, he was still an imperfect, finite being. He was still Rakan, despite it all. And Xayah still knew him better than anyone else here. Knew patience would be her trump card over him.
It would come down to just the two of them.
Rakan had no interest in Kai'sa or Xayah's teams. They were just shiny new toys to play with. One by one, he got bored or frustrated with them. Those that threatened to overpower him were dealt with swiftly by minions, those that weren't as much of a direct threat, he enjoyed trying to read and figure out. As Rakan started to slow down, the Star Guardians were put down faster and faster by more and more waves of petty underlings. The ones with any energy at all left to fight back were simply harassed by the underlings, but not particularly attacked.
It was just down to the two of them, battered and bruised and bloody.
He scowled at her, but it wasn't clear why. The expression on his face was in knots, torn between anger, frustration, regret, disappointment. Something pent up he was trying to say, but couldn't. He could only seethe.
They could read eachother too well, even the minutiae. Their duel was full of almosts. She almost pinned him with her feathers, he almost swept her up into the air. She almost clocked him in the jaw, and he almost nailed her with a chunk of the chaos realm. She set a trap she knew he'd spring, he knew what she was trying and threw her trap back in her face.
Back and forth. The other guardians could only watch. Barely even that. A lot of them were no longer even transformed, but at least still breathing. Those with any energy left were staring down the minions bouncing around, as if they were about to attack, even though they never did.
Rakan was drenched in sweat and bleeding down the side of his face.
Once it came down to the two of them, he dropped the facade of arrogance. His was a very pointed focus--something quite rare for him--until he took a split-second opportunity in a moment's uncertainty to dart into her face. To scoop her up by the throat. Even this exhausted, he was just strong enough.
His legs might have shook under him, but his cape of feathers raised and glowed. His jaw clenched, and he gave her that look again. That look full of knots that juggled twelve different emotions at once. He bared his fanged teeth, brows quivering. He looked like he wanted to yell, to talk, to scream, to apologize, to throw her, to shake her, to cry onto her, to lecture her, all at once. Like he hated that he loved her, but loved her too much to ever stop loving her all at once.
He had never been one to bottle things up. It was more like a constipation. Hopelessness and helplessness that left him too constipated to do anything but drag her around by the heart for months on end until it fulminated in this moment.
"Don't make me do this too, baby." He wasn't threatening her. He murmured quietly for just them to hear.
He sacrificed everything not once, but twice for her. His life, his light.
His hand tightened around her throat.
That same thing clawing at his ribs like a wild animal, that had infiltrated that arrogant facade and screwed it up with a million different emotions flickering all at once, was begging her to not let him drown.
Not because he was some stupid, childish, too-good-to-be-true prince charming or some smarmy idiot that pretended to have terminal Main Character Syndrome just for the drama and entertainment of it. Not because it was some hidden-in-plain-view facade that he really was some kind of Main Character, like Lux or Lulu.
It had to be Rakan because, by very nature, he was always perfectly comfortable with light and darkness in equal measure. Underneath his wit and boyish charms, he didn't quite have what people called an old soul, but there was a natural sort of wisdom there. Just as the trees knew when to go dormant and when to bloom, Rakan seemed comfortable with light and darkness, and their mutable natures. Chaos wasn't bad, Light wasn't good. Sometimes it was, sometimes it wasn't. He moved through both realms with a natural ease.
---
He'd been playing games of cat-and-mouse with Xayah and a bunch of Star Guardians he hadn't crossed paths with in quite a long time. It was a game he excelled at, and had hitherto always run her in circles, dangling hope in her face like a carrot on a stick. Maybe this time she could be fast enough, maybe she was strong enough, maybe he didn't mean the things he said, maybe he didn't really mean the things he did. Maybe it was all just Zoe making him do it.
He couldn't let her get to him before.
Rakan knew himself, he knew that if Xayah got too close, he would throw everything away for her, even if it meant the death of the universe, if it was to make her smile, he would damn it all in a heartbeat.
He couldn't let her get too far away from him, either, or he might forget.
He might let himself get lost in Zoe's wrath and hurt. He might want to tear everything apart because the First Star didn't care how much he Z̴̡̫̳̫̙̞̯̘͎͗͑̑̂́̚͠ò̸̥̔͑̽͆ę̸̟͖̭͗͆̂̕̚ and Xayah H̵̨̼̘̓̔͝a̷̢̲̰͑r̴̜̦̳̤̭͉͗͌͋̅́̔p̶̫̭͎̳͍̱̮͑̑̔̄̑̓̅͝ͅ loved one another, and he might truly be gone, then.
Before leaving to find Nilah, Syndra was the one that told Ahri about Kai'sa.
---
Chess boards and fractured architecture floated in empty space. Somewhere off in the distance, an eternal night hid underneath a raging vortex of meteorites and debris of places long gone and forgotten--all of which, despite having neither eyes nor mouths, still felt like they were clawing to rip anyone who deign travel this realm into frayed pieces.
Rakan had almost been a one-man army. Well. Him and all of the void-hounds and other monsters that surrounded the two teams, anyway.
He had numbers on his side, but the monsters were suspiciously weak. Just distractions and busy work, always conveniently in the way when one of them almost had Rakan in their grasp.
Rakan never engaged Xayah directly, never properly. Sometimes sweep her up in a dance and remind her of the 'good old days,' but the second she twitched in his hold, he'd leap easily out of reach. It was always a few moments of attention paid especially to her, to taunt her. To tell her he's the best she ever had, and the best she'll never get. And then he was off again to one of the other Star Nerds. Two, three, four could engage him at a time, it didn't matter.
It wasn't that Rakan was particularly strong. He didn't need to be when he could just throw more minions at them. His skill had always been in his nimbleness and flashy nature, and how he danced around the battlefield. Ekko, Akali, and Kai'sa could get on top of him on occasion, but he'd just slip away to someone else with a rude gesture and a reminder that 'it wasn't their turn with him.'
He mocked any of the Star Guardians any time they reminded Xayah not to listen to him, that it's not really 'him.'
He toyed with them, his laughter a deep baritone that haunted this pocket of the chaos realm. True to a supervillain's rapport, of course. The difference between a criminal and a supervillain being, always, presentation.
But even as a fallen star guardian, he was still an imperfect, finite being. He was still Rakan, despite it all. And Xayah still knew him better than anyone else here. Knew patience would be her trump card over him.
It would come down to just the two of them.
Rakan had no interest in Kai'sa or Xayah's teams. They were just shiny new toys to play with. One by one, he got bored or frustrated with them. Those that threatened to overpower him were dealt with swiftly by minions, those that weren't as much of a direct threat, he enjoyed trying to read and figure out. As Rakan started to slow down, the Star Guardians were put down faster and faster by more and more waves of petty underlings. The ones with any energy at all left to fight back were simply harassed by the underlings, but not particularly attacked.
It was just down to the two of them, battered and bruised and bloody.
He scowled at her, but it wasn't clear why. The expression on his face was in knots, torn between anger, frustration, regret, disappointment. Something pent up he was trying to say, but couldn't. He could only seethe.
They could read eachother too well, even the minutiae. Their duel was full of almosts. She almost pinned him with her feathers, he almost swept her up into the air. She almost clocked him in the jaw, and he almost nailed her with a chunk of the chaos realm. She set a trap she knew he'd spring, he knew what she was trying and threw her trap back in her face.
Back and forth. The other guardians could only watch. Barely even that. A lot of them were no longer even transformed, but at least still breathing. Those with any energy left were staring down the minions bouncing around, as if they were about to attack, even though they never did.
Rakan was drenched in sweat and bleeding down the side of his face.
Once it came down to the two of them, he dropped the facade of arrogance. His was a very pointed focus--something quite rare for him--until he took a split-second opportunity in a moment's uncertainty to dart into her face. To scoop her up by the throat. Even this exhausted, he was just strong enough.
His legs might have shook under him, but his cape of feathers raised and glowed. His jaw clenched, and he gave her that look again. That look full of knots that juggled twelve different emotions at once. He bared his fanged teeth, brows quivering. He looked like he wanted to yell, to talk, to scream, to apologize, to throw her, to shake her, to cry onto her, to lecture her, all at once. Like he hated that he loved her, but loved her too much to ever stop loving her all at once.
He had never been one to bottle things up. It was more like a constipation. Hopelessness and helplessness that left him too constipated to do anything but drag her around by the heart for months on end until it fulminated in this moment.
"Don't make me do this too, baby." He wasn't threatening her. He murmured quietly for just them to hear.
He sacrificed everything not once, but twice for her. His life, his light.
His hand tightened around her throat.
That same thing clawing at his ribs like a wild animal, that had infiltrated that arrogant facade and screwed it up with a million different emotions flickering all at once, was begging her to not let him drown.
no subject
She knows him better than anyone.
But she's slowing down and getting a little sloppy in her movements and he catches her off guard. Her hands go to his, trying to pry him off her throat. The Star Guardian's eyes close tightly and she struggles in his grasp. His words sting in a way that she's simply tired of feeling. That he can so easily manipulate her heart is her greatest weakness as a Guardian. She peeks out at him, still struggling.]
Make you do this? [She gasps out, her grasp tight around his wrist.] I've never made you do any of this... You saved me because you love me. [She stops her thrashing for the moment, feeling as if her words might mean something if she's not squirming and fighting against him. Not that her words have reached him thus far.] Won't you let me do the same?
Let me help you, Rakan...
[If he manages to kill her here... He would be lost forever. There would be no saving him nor would he want to be. She doesn't want that for him. For either of them. And if they have to beat each other to near death then so be it. She won't let it end like this if it can be helped but in case the worst does come to pass. Well, quite simply, she needs him to know how much he means to her. To never forget how much she loves him.
Her hand removes itself from his wrist to reach out to him, fingers gently brushing along his bloody cheek. One moment of tenderness before the battle begins once more. And maybe an opportunity for him to loosen his grasp on her neck. That part, in this moment, feels slightly less important.]
I'm going to save you, got that? You're fallen and I'm in prime position to catch you. That's just how it's going to be.
crying because i dont have an icon for this. league give us more birds.
What Star Guardians were still able to stand on their own two legs were ready to jump to Xayah's aid, afraid for her life, but Akali and Kai'sa pulled them back. One of them called out to her--for what, not even that Guardian knew. It was just all they could do. Kai'sa and Akali, though, knew better than anyone else that nothing could interrupt this moment for them. Both Xayah and Rakan stood on a razor's edge, and no one but those two knew how to swing the pendulum where it needed to go.
Rakan paid them no immediate mind. They didn't matter to him. He could order them obliterated and sleep like a baby. The feathers of his cape still glowed, threatening to start sapping her energy to keep for himself, but it never happened. He just kept her throat in his grip, his claws twitching against the delicate flesh as he fought with himself to break the surface or not.
Somewhere he was angry with her. Angry at how stubborn she was, angry how she would get so focused, she would lose the forest for a tree. Angry that she couldn't just let things go. He was angry that he couldn't save them from Zoe the first time, angry that her hurt for Neeko and Ahri's abandonment was more important than just being alive and together again.
He gritted his teeth and clenched his jaw, blue brows furrowing as his upper lip quivered.
Somewhere he also knew she was right. That he understood her hurt and anger, that he knew how deeply it cut her and how she could never heal and find any kind of peace with seeds of corruption and doubt poisoning her every thought like this. He knew he could move on and let go because he never took anything seriously unless it was important to her, so it was easier for him. He knew she would have the drive to come back for him, whereas he didn't know if he had the fortitude she did to fight all the odds. If he could keep going without withering away like she did. He wished he could say with confidence that of course he would fight all the odds for her, but he knew he didn't have the same kind of fighting spirit that she did.
He knew that and it still angered him.
Rakan growled--a sudden, dismissive snort of a sound. He pursed his lips to hide the way they tried to quiver and give, and splayed the feathers of his cape threateningly. He lifted her a little higher off the ground, still scowling with blame raging in his eyes like an inferno.
He never cared before if he cried or not. He was so open with his emotions, that trying to hide in anger felt wrong. That darkness in his heart kept clawing for purchase, trying to feed that anger and stoke it until it didn't matter if he was right or wrong, or if he'd regret anything later. It tried to make him tear everything down around him and cut the few threads that still held his heart aloft over the gaping chasm of darkness. It wanted to drag him down--Zoe had wanted to drag him down and hurt him, just as she'd been hurt.
But that hold had started to wane with Kai'sa's victory.
She reached out to touch his face, and part of him wanted to throw her far away from himself. A knee-jerk panic response to the something that washed over him.
His breathing slowed, and the burning gaze wavered to a confused smolder that searched her face, trying to figure out what angle she was playing at. Trying to search for a crack in the armor of her resolve and certainty that might prove she was just trying to get out of his hold.
Rakan took a step back; her hand was warm and soft against his face. It was familiar and delicate, but so far from fragile it normally made him laugh.
His eyes still focused on her. Only on her as the center of the universe, but they slowly, steadily grew wider. The scowl started to melt away as gleaming quills dulled and lowered, and his anger beget something raw and new an innocent. His brows knitted now with regret, but he couldn't find it in himself to lean into her hand like he always did. He couldn't be her courageous knight in shining armor when he looked like a mortal beholden to the face of a deity. ]
God--damn it! [ He set her down(albeit none too gently) on her feet and buried his face in the heels of his palms for a second.
The Star Guardians behind her held their breaths, watching smoke start to crawl up his arms and along his feathers. He took another step back. Another, another, swearing into his palms as Darkness tried desperately to gnash its teeth and keep dawn from breaking in his heart.
That came to a sudden halt when he heard one of them call his name, but it was too late. There was a split second where wide gold eyes briefly caught Xayah's before the edge crumbled under his feet.]
Bab--!! [ And down he went as debris fell into the void under him, threatening to swallow him for deigning to escape. All that remained was his hands grasping onto the edge.]
Do you want my SG Rakan icons? :O
Rakan would never hurt her.
And yet... Time and time they have gone against each other. Clawing and fighting and wounding each other in ways that go beyond the physical. Not to sound petulant but it's really unfair that it has all turned out this way. That she's looking at him now, barely able to take a breath, cause he's threatening to crush her windpipe. That he could, in one flex of his hand, end her life.
She's always surprised that she has any tears left through this ordeal. And through this exhaustion they're finding their way again. His expression... tormented, conflicted... uncertain. Those aren't expressions he'd ever have made. Following her confidently wherever she led. Protecting her endlessly through all her choices both smart and much less so...
She grits her teeth and blinks back any tears. Not here. Not in front of him. He'll make fun of her. Mock her. Which her Rakan would never have done.
And yet, for just a moment, their world seems to stall and time stops. Her fingers on his cheek and the way that he looks at her. Did she do it? Did she reach him? Her heart doesn't dare hope but everything that is happening in front of her eyes is a good sign. His quills drop and she cups his cheek firmer, her eyes widening as well. More so when he suddenly puts her down. Her hand has to remove itself from him as she's unsteady on her feet and her lungs are gratefully taking in air. But she's not going to leave him without her touch for too long. Or that was her intention anyway.
It doesn't feel like she took too much time. Putting a hand to her throat and gasping. Wobbly knees nearly collapsing under her but she remains standing. Her gaze dropped for only a moment. Less than that.
And when their eyes do meet again... He's falling.
Physically falling.]
Rakan!
[She promised. She promised she'd catch him. She darts towards the edge eyes darting and wide. Panic filling every fiber of her being. But her senses remain rational enough to do the right thing. He's holding on and at once she's grabbing his wrist, eyes squeezing shut as she uses all her remaining strength to pull him up.]
Don't be some sap and try and make me let go of you. [The words come out almost like a snarl, the excursion of trying to pull his entire weight up this crumbling formation is a lot.] I am not letting you go. No matter what you do. Or say. I'll jump in after your idiot self if I have to.
[Her talons dig into the ground, the very surface cracking beneath her own feet.]
If you fall... I fall. [Just like how this mess began. How it should have stayed. One should not have gone without the other. And she'll never forgive herself for how long this has taken.] Wherever you go... I'm following. You got it?
[She pulls as hard as she can gasping when she can feel the slightest bit of progress. So she heaves again, talons scrambling and then finding purchase in the ground again. She can hear the others calling their names. Trying to get over to them but the ground is so unsteady and unstable.
She doesn't need them though. She's going to save him. Just like she's been promising!
Another heave and her feathers are flapping as if she can add to her backwards momentum. Anything to give herself the slightest edge. It's getting easier? Or maybe she's deluding herself. Either way, she's certain she's making progress on the crumbling edge. Another tug, her eyes snapping open as this one does actually feel much easier.]
Rakan!
I would love that thank u @_@
He didn't know how long it would take or what would happen in between. He didn't know how, didn't know how all the pieces would align, but he knew that she had to be the one. He had to save her, first. Had to protect the light in her because he knew she wouldn't let him go. He was ready for that. Ready to sink into darkness and all the uncertainties that festered in his heart because he knew the one truth of her determination to be absolute. He had been cursing her when he was backing up.
Cursing her for being so stupid, for thinking Neeko was worth hunting down, for falling for all of his traps just to let him tear her down, for coming out here to save him. He cursed the other Guardians for thinking they had a chance.
But through it all he was hoping she wouldn't let him stop her. Hoping she would be strong enough. Hoping she wouldn't give up on him, hoping she could find a way to save him from the prison of all the things the shadows whispered into his heart with wicked sobs and wails. He hated that--he hated that he still hoped. Hated that he couldn't just push her away and run from all of this.
Shadows were still peeling from his skin and feathers like smoke, still gnashing at his skin like fangs, still shrieking as he held on right to the edge.
He could let go right here. He could let go and never see her again.
Rakan gritted his teeth, but she grabbed onto his wrist. ]
What, hah, you think that's how the world works? Just cause you're a Star Brat, the First Star's gonna kiss all your boo boos and make everything all better?
[ He knew she wasn't going to let go. He knew she meant it when she said she would fall with him all over again if that's what it took--to save him or be with him. ]
You--!!
[ Rakan leered up at her, beaten and battered and bruised, gulping down air and trying not to cry.
One foot clawed at the crags and cracks in the wall he hung against, sending rubble into the void under him.
She was here, and she meant what she said. He didn't sacrifice everything for her selfishness. He sacrificed everything because he trusted her. She did come for him, and nothing he or chaos or anyone else did to her stood in her way. He tried to kill her, and she still believed he was there, waiting for her to break through the darkness. She could have sat and cried, justified leaving him behind, listened to the nay-sayers, fallen again. But she didn't. She fought for him. She still wasn't giving up.
He looked down at the hungry void below him, then back up at Xayah. Covered in sweat and blood, their grip was slowly slipping. She was throwing all of her weight into pulling him up.
He gasped and sucked down air as if he'd just broke the surface of water, and as her claws dug into his wrists for grip, so he grabbed onto hers and dug his claws in. Rakan gritted his teeth this time, but not in anger, and spoke, but not with ire or panic. It was a half demand, half plea. Confident, but defeated. ]
Don't let me go! [ He scraped at the wall, trying to push himself up.
He wasn't an accessory, wasn't just a loyal background character. She didn't leave him when the chapel started to collapse after Ahri came for them. She wasn't leaving him now, despite the uncertainty and fragile hope of those around her. She started flapping to try and give herself leverage, and from Rakan's back crawled a warm light that ran down over his cape and revealed a ghostly flight wing. It unfurled and stretched, loosening loose feather fluff. White raced through the midnight colors of his clothes and feathers. Stars shimmered on his feathers, breathing back to life as they once had.
She didn't give up on him, she raised hell until the heavens moved to her will.
Flakes of darkness fell away and gave way to the light, and beneath him, a portal opened that let in blooming morning sunlight. With the warmth of the first break of day touching his skin, for a moment he was weightless. A sphere of light crawled up around them, made of the familiar and warm, tingly magic of his shield.
When Xayah opened her eyes, bright blue ones were looking back at her, big and stupid and exhausted and happy. He hadn't just been pulled from the chasm, but they were suspended, briefly, in the warmth of his shield a few feet over the ground. He tugged her arm a bit to hold her more secure in the moment with an arm around her waist, and leaned in to press his forehead to hers. Of course the first thing out of his mouth would be smarmy, and he'd make her kiss him first. ]
What, are you kidding me? Uh, no. I'd have to share my evil-closet with you, and you know how many outfits I have.
[ Between them, his pendant was still softly glowing and glimmering. The crack was filling in with light and the dull color changed to the familiar brilliance it once had. Of course, if she hadn't kissed him by that point, he'd pout and ask if she was ever gonna kiss him, and initiate it himself.
Whenever it happened, however it started, it was finishing with both of his arms around her, with both of them gently touching down to the ground together, with the ghostly flight wing fading and the shield falling. With Rakan holding her uniform tight, and digging his fingers into the fabric to make sure this was real. Also with a little tongue. Just a little. If they were both crying from relief and happiness, then they got to have a little tongue.
The cheering of the other Guardians could finally be heard more clearly now that his shield melted away, but there was a minute delay or so to give the lovebirds a little space for this reunion. ]
no subject
She squeezes her eyes shut tighter as she grits her teeth together, mustering all her strength in one last final surge to save him.]
I won't!
[Never!
Her claws dig deeper into him, never minding the hurt. They've done far worse to each other at this point and then it suddenly becomes a lot easier and for one terrifying moment she thinks they've, somehow, both slipped off the edge and fallen.
No, that's not it. This is warm and familiar but also something she hasn't felt in a while which is, perhaps, why it took her so long to recognize it for what it is. She peeks first, still in a state of disbelief and too afraid to hope, just a tiny glimpse past her lashes before allowing her eyes to flutter open.
He's looking at her the way he used to. He's smiling at her the way he always did. The Fallen him couldn't mimic the affection they once had. When they were both fallen, yes. But once she had her light back it was always different. Always off. Always... something twisted and wrong.
This. This is the real him. Her face scrunches up and she clutches to him tighter, still afraid this might be a trick. That the rug is going to be pulled out from under them once more. But he holds her, arm wrapped around her waist and forehead pressing against her own. Their noses brushing together. She reaches for his face with more hesitance than before and with baited breath. Her fingers graze his cheek, the same cheek she cupped to try and get through. Her gaze is wide and searching.
This is real?
She seems to silently ask, somehow not prepared for how to feel or act should she succeed. Only that she had to keep fighting for him. Eventually her touch is firmer, touching him with resolve. She did it... Her eyes fill with tears of pure and utter relief and she swallows down a sob that dares to bubble up. And there's a tremble in her own bottom lip. Only now that she had done what she succeeded does she allow herself to feel the softer things. That the first thing he'd ask of her once regaining himself is for a kiss. It's worth a lighthearted push but she's not about to do separate them for even a second. So she'll endure. And let out a barely audible "Okay" and with the true last remnants of her strength she throws herself close to him. Sealing her lips to his as her other arm wraps around him, her hand firmly remaining on his cheek.
It's not a terribly lengthy kiss she gives him. (Though it has the tongue he wanted. Just a little.) The approach of their comrades and their cheerful hollering is not far from them. There will be time to be affectionate later. And the stars themself know that there is nothing but time to make up for.
She pulls back from their shared kiss, he says something unexpectedly cheesy that at one point, and will again, make her roll her eyes. But not this time. She simply stares at him with genuine awe. And there are no small amount of things she wants to say. They are near bursting in her chest... But not in front of everyone. They should be heard by his ears alone. No one of their group could deny her fight and adoration for him. How she clawed her way tooth and nail for this eventual resolution but... If he is anything like her after being redeemed. There will be struggles. There will be that lingering darkness that coils around his heart. Doubt. And it will be her job to help assuage those concerns. Those whispers that may plague him still now that they stand in the sunlight.
So she'll keep her peace for now, breathing in relief when her feet touch the ground and the shield dissipates. She's not like him... She can't spit out the deeply cheesy line and ham it up. She thinks and is much too cool for that. But that doesn't mean she can't be cliche in her own way. (Not that she thinks she is at all, what are you talking about?) They are birds of a feather after all. And so in no uncertain terms she says the only thing that makes sense to say in this particular moment.]
Welcome home, Rakan...
[She doesn't say it with that cool swagger that she wanted to. Her eyes brimming over with tears that have waited long enough to be shed. Her fingers curl into his uniform in turn. She's finding it hard to believe this moment is actually real. That she actually succeeded. So much since they'd fallen has felt like one failure after a the next. This feeling like she simply can't do anything right. That she would never be able to save the most important person in her life. Even when she formed her own team and came onto terms okay-ish with Ahri it still felt... It felt like she might not be able to win regardless.
Natural, right? One half of her was missing.
Xayah presses herself into him, placing an ear to his chest. Listening to his heart. Beating. Real. Alive. Tears roll down her cheeks at last. Relief finally settling in.]
I missed you.
[Seraphine's happy cheering can be heard the loudest out of all of them and she's all but sprinting over. Enough time has passed for the two right? Right. Absolutely. It's time to celebrate and bring them over and more importantly get the heck out of here. And Ahri makes hesitant steps forward before seeming to doubt and ponder. Guilt and relief seem to fight within her for a few moments but she's also on her way, keeping pace just behind the excited Seraphine.
"I'm so glad..." Their former fox eared leader says upon her approach. "I can't express... but we should go."
And while Xayah is still a little begrudging to listen to anything Ahri says... she's right. They should do just that. She really wants nothing more than to take Rakan home with her. And so she swallows thickly, rubbing away her tears hastily so no one can see she was crying and it's not obvious she was or anything. She confirms the other Guardian's words with a nod and peeks up at Rakan through her bangs.]
Are you going to be okay? I can carry you. [Her eyes are shinning and her smile is genuine.] It is what princes do when they rescue their beloved.
[It's her. She's the prince this time. Granted she'd have to do it by throwing him over her shoulder like a sack of very heavy potatoes. Princess carry when he's that much bigger than her would just be asking to bonk his head against every wall and piece of floating debris.]
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No?
Oh--yeah, nope. Okay. Dang. Sure there were other Star Guardians around, but they could look away. It wouldn't kill them. Or they could watch and be absolutely jealous!
He couldn't help but grin against her lips when she jostled him with the shove. Yeah, he definitely deserved it, but he also definitely wasn't going to make her peel away from him, even if it was just to clock him across the jaw or something. Which she would probably never do, but he would totally have let her.
In that quiet moment between them, he tilted his head, bumped his nose against hers and nudged at her cheek. Just a little, brief inspection. One of his hands came up to lightly grasp her jaw between his thumb and a curled index finger, and he could see those tears swimming in her eyes. Stars, he could see them and he hated that they were there. That they ever had to be there. That he put them there. That she was tired and battered and bruised, but most of all, what he still marveled at, was that she was still here. That she made it here. That everything he believed and trusted in came true.
They looked like a pair of nuzzling kittens bumping into eachother, and the thought make his lips part in a toothy, excitable grin as kept his eyes on her. She was an absolute miracle. Also adorable. He'd tell her that, but not when there was a bunch of partying going on without him. ]
In the flesh. Thanks, Xayah. I missed you too. [ The bravado of his ego calmed to a gentle coo when the tears finally fell. He didn't wipe them away at first. He figured she needed this. To finally let herself fall apart just a little and let it out enough to relax. He canted his head a bit, craning his neck to look down at her as if to check on her, but in reality, he was just providing a veil for her. Of course the others knew she'd be crying, and she rightly deserved it, buuuuuut a little privacy and being wrapped up in your boyfriend wasn't a bad thing right now. Just a moment's respite, and to help ground her, with her ear to his chest, he took the cue to take in a slow, deep breath and settle himself. After that was when his thumb swiped over her cheek to wipe some of the tears away.
He didn't have to question if this was real. He hadn't fought for months to get her back. She had been right in front of him the whole time. He wasn't the one that had to suffer taunts and tricks and games from his other half.
Seraphine was the first to approach, and his ears flicked and perked up. He gave Xayah a moment more if she wanted it, then looked over at the crew bouncing over to them, tired and excited as can be. Finally they got to meet. Someone that could appreciate Rakan's showmanship--they'd get along famously. The others, well, he gave them another once over until Ahri stepped up. He cut a brief glance down to Xayah, more concerned with her reaction, but he shrugs and nods easily in agreement once Xayah got herself together. Of course, with the crowd around him, and Xayah so clearly worried about him-- ]
Oh--ah! [ His knees bent, he let go of Xayah with one arm to press his forearm to his forehead, and tilted his head back in the most dramatic way he possibly could obviously feign. ]
Xayah--It's awful! The pain!! [ He could hear Sarah rolling her eyes. Like she was trying to pummel him with how hard she was rolling her eyes. ]
Xayah-- I think I-- [ He choked out, so pitiful as he crumpled. ]
Broke a feather. [ In an instant, it melted away and he snorted with a little snicker, flashing another toothy grin.
Sarah walked by with Ahri and Orianna, and yanked at one of his ears again as she walked by with her own grin. Just like old times. 'He's back, alright. Welcome back, Rakan.' ]
Love is so cruel! [ Xayah was being sincere and chivalrous and gentle, and he was already back to being the class clown. He could've let Xayah have this moment! He could've gone with the cliche and made it this beautiful fairy tale scene, but noooooo. He was out here trying to make her laugh like they didn't just wrap up some dramatic fight or anything.
Tears later. There would be tears and conversations later. He wasn't worried about later, he was in the now. The now, where he wanted to make sure this was real, too. That it wasn't just a fever dream or what happened to Guardians when they died or something. Everyone was still here, the portal was still open for them, and the hounds and canon fodder evil-him had summoned were starting to look less like bouncers and more like hungry hyenas cackling menacingly at the bit. He rubbed at the base of his ear and leaned down to quickly kiss Xayah's nose. ]
Baby, you are too beautiful to carry me around, but I won't say no. [ Ah. Yes. Regret. It is him. Rakan is regret. Or rather, a sack of potatoes being lugged through chaos back into the waking world. He let her be the prince this time.
Ekko and Senna were just. Watching. There were looks on their faces and Rakan knew those looks. Senna reminded him a lot of Xayah. She had that sort of dead-panned exasperation with a little hidden twinkle of amusement. Ekko just looked bewildered by it, but Sona just grinned and patted Ekko's shoulder as they left for home. ]
So pardon me while you fade whoever you used to be
There was the natural tending to injuries. Brushing out of feathers and dabbing some of the deeper cuts that had been inflicted with no mention that every hurt on either of them was done by the other. It was best not to think about that. So she keeps her lips pursed and does her work while he is... himself. She's grateful that he is. That'll it be easier to push past what happened if they act like it never happened. This horrible tragedy in their history doesn't need any dredging up.
That night, she curls up next to him completely exhausted and relieved. And it feels like home for the first time. Xayah holds on to him tight as if he'll slip away in the middle of the night. That she'll awake and he'll be gone and it was all a dream.
But morning comes and he is still there. And she believes that everything is going to be fine. It's not a thought that lasts very long.
Something is off. At first she tries not to acknowledge it and push through the next few days hoping it's just this new growing pain. But it doesn't fade. Something is not quite fitting right. They're not slotting back into the way things used to be. And that is genuinely terrifying. It's when she talks to him and he is his usual bravado self is when she feels that things aren't right the most. In this weird way it's like they're still separated from one another. Like reaching out for him and there's this glass between them.
Like... she's simply watching him pretend to be who he once was. Or... Maybe she's the one pretending? She honestly can't tell. Maybe he is fine from the ordeal and its her that isn't quite right anymore. The darkness that still lingers next to her light. The thoughts begin to tumble... Did he escape without any darkness? Can she stand by him tainted as she is? And it's thoughts like this that will cause her to spiral once more so she does not entertain them for very long. She knows, she knows now, that she can exist with both within.
But can she exist with him as she is? Will he try and do something foolish and try and save her again? There's this strange sense of doubt that comes with his return. The things that were said to one another during their time apart. The hurts they caused. The misery and pain... She did not anticipate having to confront it once she got what she was chasing for so long. Are they to ignore it and pretend things are fine?
She tries. She tries to be who she was before because that's who he loves. But she doesn't quite feel like that person anymore. She went and grew into something a little different while he was gone. They're out of sync.
Maybe, she reasons, they just need to get out and be with their friends. Things will start to feel normal again. Meet the team. Get back in a rhythm. She finds the girls on the roof happily training and improving their skill sets. And they stop everything to hurry over. They ask a flurry of questions, well, Seraphine asks a lot of questions. They're mostly about Rakan and if he's okay. If they're enjoying being together once more. And how it nice must be. But her enthusiasm that was so brilliantly bright upon seeing them slowly trails off from both herself and the others as watch the two reunited lovers.
Plastic is the word that Orianna would use. And Senna keeps her thoughts to herself but watches intently. It's Seraphine, after quite a bit of this, that just blurts out what the rest are thinking.
"Have you two, like, talked at all about..." She flails a bit. "Anything?"
Xayah feels herself stiffen in her place beside Rakan. Is it that obvious? Enough so that other people, people who don't even know Rakan, can tell that they're off? Not quite right?
A part of her wants to scream. She may do that later regardless. But she sits there like she's been struck by lightening, mourning all the more that it took so long to get Rakan back. So much so that they couldn't just fall back into place. That they are now at different tempos of a dance that neither can even claim to know anymore.]
There just hasn't been any reason to, really.
[She doesn't know what else to say. They've never really needed to before. Love, for them, has been natural and easy. Like a fairytale. Something that is written about in novels. It was pure and right and there's a reason they're connected as Star Guardians. But being corrupted, dying, falling... being apart for as long as they had...
What if she loses him again? Not due to death. Or anything like that. But just because she's too different. The wounds they caused each other too deep. What would she even do then? She's been away from him for so long that having to be apart again creates an echo of an ache. She can't. And she's not about to have a conversation that creates a reason for that. Not yet... She can't talk about it yet.]
We're fine, really. Just getting our footing again. That part can be a little tricky. But really. Everything is fine.
[She's not certain anyone believes her though. She certainly doesn't believe herself.]
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Of course not physically. It was too soon, and he didn't want to rouse any panic in her with his absence. He almost didn't want to rouse any panic in himself, that he, too, could've just been dreaming away the last remnants of himself that lay underneath the pitch that had choked his heart.
He'd cook, he'd clean with her, they'd go grocery shopping, errand-running together.
Rakan didn't seem to mind. Before, they both enjoyed independent time apart with their own hobbies and circles just as much as they enjoyed intermingling these things with their time spent together, at present, both seemed in a sort of fugue state. Still somewhere in a haze of post-trauma, trying to settle back into the new reality that wasn't them constantly literally fighting for survival.
He understood, too, she was a creature that processed things differently from him, and she'd need time just as much as he needed time.
Sometimes alone time in the shower was the perfect place to sit down, with the water running over him when the guilt and frustration got to be too much. Where he could reprimand himself, pep-talk himself, fight with himself. Somewhere that wasn't in front of Xayah. Pressure releases so he could better wait for a time that it could be brought up.
When things chewed at either of their minds, before, just as now, he had no qualms with being patient. Would always give her time and space to simmer over something before pushing her buttons to try and get her to let things out. He brushed off her attitudes or defensive quips with no problem at all, because she'd always apologize when they finally talked. She processed things internally. He understood that. Conversely, Rakan's frustration came out as anxious energy--he was emotions everywhere and just as snippy and ready to snap, but he didn't stop to process, he just felt. He'd work himself up into knots trying to explain things to Xayah--always just the straw that broke his back and got him so wound up. She just let him huff and puff around until she worked out what was really eating him. And when she finally gave him the words for it, they talked.
He knew--he knew what was eating her now. She had the weight of her own guilt on her shoulders, as well as wanting to assuage his own guilt.
Of course he forgave her. Of course he wasn't upset or angry at her. How could he be? Why would he be?
Rakan couldn't hold a grudge if someone super glued it to both of his hands. He wasn't afraid or angry of the darkness, nor of his time in it. It just existed, and now it didn't. Or maybe it did, but who cared? He'd deal with it then.
He thought this was just a matter of waiting and giving her time and space until she was ready. Letting her work out what she felt comfortable to open with and say, cause there was a lot. It was overwhelming.
He was patient and charming as he always had been, but he was waiting. In their private moments, he waited and hoped she would be ready. The waiting and waiting and watching kept him on a slight edge. Was she really just alright? There was no way she was just alright. Did she think he hated her? He didn't, but she wasn't a mind reader.
When Seraphine chimed in upon their arrival, he made contemplative duck-lips, glancing between Seraphine and Xayah before looking aside in a thoughtful manner. His tail curled a little, his ears twitched. The cogs in his head all clicked into place with a speed Orianna could marvel at, and a split-second decision was made.
He could have just dashed to Seraphine to sweep her up into a dance with a smile and a promise. Something to make her laugh and brush it aside, but Xayah's response just didn't. Vibe. And this was as good of an opportunity as ever. He wouldn't be interrupting a good moment, wouldn't be making a bad moment worse. At least that's what he thought, anyway. It was public, in front of all their friends, but. Well. Maybe it was fine to give her that push. ]
Weeellll, we talked about the new training schedule. And getting me re-enrolled so you guys can see my handsome face all. day. [ He pointed his thumbs at his chest and puffed out his feathers like the little peacock he could be. ]
But if you mean about that time I turned super-evil for real and dragged you guys all across Valoran City until we had a big super-villain show down followed by the current redemption arc, then...
No. [ He said all of that at lightning speed in one breath, slowing down only for the dramatic pause at the end, and letting the last word linger and drawl to fade on the breeze that blew between them. ] But yeah! Footing!
[ Senna's brows raised and she just looked between the two of them with a visible 'oh no' plastered on her face. Concern, worry, understanding, flabbergasted. All at once. Orianna might have been about to say something. In fact, her mouth had just started to open, and Senna heard both Orianna take that breath, and saw Seraphine about to explode with an obscene amount of energy, and as well-meaning as both of them undoubtedly were, she Knew Better.
'Hey let's go edit some of that vlog footage, Seraphine! You too, Ori.' Senna blurted out with a stern yell over anything Orianna or Seraphine tried to start saying. Ori was grabbed by the hand, while Seraphine was dragged down the hillside by her arm, instead, with Seraphine doing maybe a little confused squawking followed by an 'oooooh yeah okay.'
Senna made sure to give Xayah A Look as she passed by. That 'say the word and we'll slap him' look that Rakan caught sight of and pouted over. The three ladies left the two birds to hopefully sort some things out, and as they headed back towards the city, a little bit of the bickering between Senna, Orianna, and Seraphine faded into the distance.
Rakan, on the other hand, fell backwards onto his butt to sit in the grass, legs stretched out in front of him. He let the silence linger for a minute as he watched her, looking up at her through his lashes. ]
Sooooooo....maybe, uh. We should talk about it? [ He didn't think this far ahead. He never did. Sort of a strength and weakness of his. ]
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She wants to run. And she's never wanted to run from Rakan. Why does this feel so messed up? She did it. She won. She got him back. Yet things feel harder than ever. It didn't used to be so hard. Their problems were never at each other and conversation about it was easy once they'd each contemplated what was ruffling their feathers.]
I don't... [They should talk about it. But she doesn't feel ready. She wants to keep pushing through and wait till things sort themselves out. But they're not going to. And it will only create a greater chasm between them if she keeps avoiding it. She knows that much. So she takes in a deep breath her ears which have been slowly drooping right themselves once more as she takes a seat across from him on the grass. Her legs are tucked beneath her and there is space between them which feels necessary.
For all that things feel off with how they connect if given the opportunity she would simply curl up at his side, savoring the warmth and feel of him due to their time apart. But no more of that until they fix everything else.] Alright... Let's talk.
[She closes her eyes for a moment, gathering her thoughts. Personally, she hasn't sorted and articulated herself well enough for this conversation. It'll be too raw on her end. Not practiced and careful like she tends to be. She used to think of herself as reserved but, honestly, she's been wrathful for so long. That fight in the church... How that anger followed her to who she is now. How it persists and flares up when she looks at Ahri and Sarah. She's not that person. And yet... clearly is.
What does that mean for Rakan? All the things he said and did. To her. He was not that person. But was there intention in those actions like her?
These are things she feels better off not knowing.
Her fingers have curled into the hem of her skirt and as she breathes out again she relinquishes her vice like grip. Get it together. She slowly lifts her gaze to look at him, her expression inexplicably miserable yer her mouth is set in that determined little frown.]
Admittedly... I don't really know how to begin. But... [Her brow furrows, her eyes looking him over. From where she knows injuries littered him days prior. To the marks she knows she left.] Rakan... are you okay? And don't just... don't just say yes. You went through so much for so long. [She closes her eyes tight, lowering her head, ears falling flat despite her intentions to do this with a brave face she can't even look at him.] I took such a long time to finally save you. I thought... I really thought with each day that passed that I was going to be too late. And when I came back, without you, I was not okay. I still don't feel okay some times. [She places a hand to her chest, feeling the darkness swirl about due to her dismay and fear for him.] I can't tell if you're hiding it or really just perfectly fine. That you're just capable of bouncing back from this...
And I hate that I can't tell when I feel like I should. That I would have in the past.
[Her fingers curl at the fabric of her blouse and it's good her head is down so he can't see the tremble in her lips even if he can hear it in her voice. Or see the sadness that plagues her eyes.]
I'm afraid that you are fine and I'm the one that's off... and if that's the case then I'm even more afraid that we'll cycle. You trying to save me. Losing you again.
[After all, they are destined to burn bright, but collapse as furiously as they burn. What if this is the fate of the both of them? One of them burning while the other collapses. Over and over...]
I don't want that for you... For us...
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Xayah sat across from him, and on one hand there was a note of concern, but on the other hand, he can't say he was surprised, either. Which wasn't a bad thing. Just that this wasn't the time she picked to address this, so he gave her the space to settle into and feel comfortable. At least as comfortable as possible.
In the mean time, the tip of his tail tapped the grass. An idle thing, just to fidget. Sensory input to feel the resistance of the earth when his tail-feathers thumped at it, and the satisfying, but small little bass thump that came with hitting solid dirt. His fingers played with the grass because he hair wasn't within reach. He's so busy letting his thoughts travel down so many paths at once--barely holding onto any given one clearly--that her facial expression and voice seemed to snap him out of it, and his gaze sharpened to focus at her, rather than just looking through her while he thought. ]
Uh, me? Babe. C'mon, it's me. On the one hand, dark colors really make my eyes and hair pop, and I mean it's wasn't awful.
The part about Zoe making it all about her sucked. Like yeah, Neeko flaked out, Ahri did...whatever it was she did. Sometimes a leader's gotta make those kinds of hard decisions.
[ He shrugged. ] Besides, we were together, Ahri came back.. [ His voice drawled as he raised a hand and rolled his wrist dismissively. He was going somewhere with this.
Oh! Right. She was afraid. His voice softened and his ears laid back just so, gently. ] It had to be you. It couldn't be me. I knew you'd be able to come back for me, and I knew I could hold on. I don't think it would've worked if it was the other way around.
It sucked. I mean it really sucked, but it wasn't the end of the world. More like a new way of looking at it, I guess? [ He snorted with a laugh, but leaned forward and pulled his feet in, lifting his knees to rest his arms atop them. ]
Darkness really has a way of eating at you..I thought all kinds of crap things, but I mean. You always chased me down, and I didn't let you get too far away for me to reach for you when I thought I was slipping.
Were we cycling?
Did that feel like cycling?
We were just doing what we're best at. You're really stubborn, and I'm irresistible.
[ He completely forgot she asked him how he's doing. Help him. Help this mans. ]
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Why is it she feels more lost now that she's found him? She pushes that thought down, deep down, because it's not about that or her. It's about him and if she's doing okay. And if he is then... they just need to push through it.]
I'm asking you if you're okay. Because... I let you down, Rakan. And it's okay and even important to acknowledge that. Things were simple when we were evil. Calling everyone star nerds and practicing evil laughs but it was also... shallow. I couldn't think about anything other than revenge. I didn't even notice you. That you were hurting. That you were hurting in place of me.
[She almost left him there. She didn't but she thought about it. She hesitated and weighed the options and still almost went before turning back for him. But he never stopped looking at her. Protecting her.
She wishes she had. That she could take the corruption from his light and take it for herself. But she also knows that he is right. If they role reversed the darkness would have taken her easier. She was already losing herself to it in her quest revenge. Had he tried with all his might there's no path where he doesn't arrive too late to save her. And that... She has no idea what that might do to him. So while this was the right course of action she doesn't have to like it. She can still regret that things didn't happen differently. That they didn't get to be saved together. That she didn't get to prevent any of his suffering by acting swifter.]
I'm not expecting you to be mad about any of it because that's not you but you're still quite capable of being hurt by it. And not just by my actions or lack of them... [Her hand finds its way up to her throat. The last act of violence he committed against her.] You speak of being evil very casually like it didn't bother you any. And if you're okay, you're okay. But I want to be sure. Because I know I'm not.
[If he's perfectly fine then she'll be so utterly relieved, truly. But she doesn't know if it's true or if he's hiding his pain. That's what's so frustrating about all of this! That she doesn't know if he got lost in answering his question or if it was purposeful to avoid making her worry further.
That she just doesn't know on sight like she once used to hurts more than anything. Is it her own gnawing guilt that's blinding her to him? Is she imprinting her own feelings on to him? Because she's mad at herself he should be mad at her too. Or is it simply the lingering darkness in her heart?]
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His brows knitted and his lips pursed just so, both with concern, and his attempt to focus and address all of her concerns. This was important, and he was trying. There was never a lack of effort, never a lack of care, he just couldn't help how scatter-brained he was.
It took him a minute to articulate a response because he tried to make sure he hit all of her concerns, rather than letting himself get side-tracked by all the little thoughts needling at the back of his mind.
Her touching her throat seemed to be a mental anchor for Rakan in the conversation, and as she replied, he rolled his weight forward with an upset frown on his face, and scooted closer to her. To wrap around her and press the warmth of his chest to her back, and to try and wrap his arms around her waist from behind. How could he explain all of it to her? There was so much buzzing around his head about it all. ]
I'm not mad.
Worried? Yeah, definitely worried cause I can see something eating at you all the time, but I didn't know what it was. I mean..y'know, good boyfriends don't do..that.
[ He nudged at her jawline with his nose. He couldn't bring himself to name it. ]
That wasn't me, but it was, and I hate that. That there was ever any reason I could do that at all. But I'm not the best at these kinds of talks, and you need time to process things, so I've just been waiting and hoping you didn't start to think I didn't love you.
Baby, practicing evil-laughs and our poses was fun. I don't think darkness is bad, just different. It shows you different things you can't see when the lights are on. Sorta like a cool blacklight poster.
Your determination? I love that. Your drive and focus is amazing! That's why I knew you could do it. It keeps me on track.
But when you get lost in the darkness, it's not.. it's different. It's all the things you don't see or understand, or all the things you try to hide from all coming out at once! Shaking you! You don't know what to do so you just do something! It's like being a Star Guardian the first time all over again and people are yelling all around you but instead of believing you're trying your best cause ooooh, they're light! It's automatically ooooh bad and evil cause darkness.
So everything you do is automatically bad when it's not really. It's just doing the only thing you know how to do!
Sssssort if.
I mean..when Zoe first..I think I had a nightlight? It was new and fun, and we got to explore the chaos realm without being constantly attacked, and there's a lot there! Have you SEEN all the stuff there? But you were so hurt. Babe, I saw it and I didn't know how to help you. You were hurting. A lot. So much that that's all that mattered, but how was I supposed to be mad at you? Neeko just..fucked off! Ahri left us! That hit you hard, babe.
I..I know you didn't love me any less! I just. Hated seeing you drown in it. I still had you to focus on and ground me in the dark. But you didn't have the First Light and I thought some core belief that drove you got shaken, so you were just running in the dark and grasping for a goal to chase, cause focusing on a goal is easier than facing what happened, you know?
I don't think you were gonna heal if I didn't turn on the lights for you.
When you ascended again, what was I supposed to do? I didn't know where to go any more so I started stumbling around. Without you to focus on, I got stuck in my own head.
Zoe isn't exactly leader material, either. She just made everything worse, repeating all the thoughts and twisting stuff up. But she was chasing something and she was hurting, too, and it's like her hurt got screwed up with mine. Syndra and me talked about it, but I don't remember. Something about sticks and music?
Being dark--I mean I didn't want to do those things. I kept trying to get away so I didn't hurt you cause I didn't want to. Every time I saw you I was just overwhelmed with so much. I was relieved and mad and sad. Scared. I knew better, but I couldn't see anything else in the dark but my own thoughts reflected back at me! But when you were gone, I was just empty. I just did stuff and didn't care! That ain't me!
Or..I think I did? No, yeah I definitely cared but I just wanted to get all the stuff in me out. And Syndra told me I needed to keep you guys out of the way for now cause stick-guy was part of the problem?
[ Rakan, slow down. There's a lot just pouring out.
He paused a moment. Her neck? Oh, yeah her neck. He felt awful about that. ]
I was worried you'd be scared of me--I shouldn't have done those things. I wouldn't, not in my right mind. I wish it didn't take seeing you fight tooth and nail to get through to me to finally get it through my thick skull. I should've never done that.
..I don't like how real talking about it makes it. I can't pretend it was someone else whose spine I can snap over my knee, y'know? It--it was me. I hurt you and didn't mean to. I would never want to, but that's what darkness does. But it's also not. Darkness just makes it easier to justify doing things when you're hurting that don't make sense, and whether it was darkness or Zoe or just me, I don't like that I ever did that.
I wish I could've just talked to you and that would've solved it, but I kept trying and it just got to be so much that I could never talk right. Everything was always all wrong somehow. It wasn't like this.
I'm just. Worried an I'm sorry isn't good enough. The wait for you to bring it up was sort of killing me cause I didn't know if you were still gonna be with me.
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She breathes out slow leaning into his touch when he scoots closer. Her hands moving over his, returning every loving gesture as he works through what happened to him.
Most importantly what he's saying makes sense. About when they were lost in the darkness together. Where revenge is what kept her going for him, in turn, it was her. And without either they'd both have fallen even further. He just saved her before it could happen. She can only be mad at herself that being so angry at those circumstances blinded her to Rakan's pain. Would that she could do things differently.
She will make it up to him.
Xayah wiggles some to turn herself around in his grasp. Not trying to untangle herself from him and lose his hold but enough that she can turn around and face him. And when she can look at him in those brilliant eyes that are finally the right color and so full of adoration for her that she's finally seeing again she feels... at ease. She cups his face in her hands, gently brushing her thumbs along his cheekbones.]
I'm not scared of you. You will never frighten me no matter how lost you get. But I was scared for you. [She continues to brush her fingers along his face giving herself a moment to articulate just how she wants to say what needs to be said.] I never stopped loving you. Or fighting for you. It didn't matter what you did to me... I would keep at it all the same. And I knew it wasn't you. [She smirks a little.] You said I didn't like knives. You know I love knives. I knew that wasn't you... or quite you. That anything you said was to push me away so that you would stop hurting me. But I wouldn't let that happen. I wouldn't give up on you.
I will choose you every time.
But... regardless of what was or wasn't quite us I know you did things that are regrettable. I know the fear of the darkness that still exists and you wonder if you'll do those terrible things again. I am genuinely afraid I might lose you again. That we'd have to do it all over. But even if that's the case... I'd fight even harder. What can be done once can be done again.
[She presses her lips to the tip of his nose, offering a gentle kiss to ease any high strung feelings but nothing that could get carried away with.]
Which is why I'm asking... Are you okay? And if not how can I help. [She pinches his cheeks a little.] Serious answers only.
[None of this "Well a kiss will fix me up perfectly!" None of that. Though she will kiss him once they sort through this proper.]
Rakan you endlessly support me no matter what I do or where we go. Lean on me too... And know that I will always fight for you. Be it against light or darkness or anything in between. It's you... You are my first light.
[Okay. That's pretty cheesy. Embarrassingly so... Thank the stars they're alone. But... she does mean it with all her heart.]
ok im on desktop now so swapping between action and dialogue isn't a pain
There was a difference at letting things go, and bottling them up, and Rakan was not suited for the later. Of course, he hadn't been bottling it up, just waiting for the right time, but waiting wasn't something he was the best at, either.
It wasn't hard to recall how he felt, but his thoughts were like a big nebulous cloud of emotions and reasoning and commentary all intermingling and wrapping around and through eachother, that it was impossible to explain one idea without unraveling the entire tapestry of it, everything around it, and all of those sub-thoughts and ideas. But then when unraveling a tapestry, where does one start?
He had his starting point: he felt bad about hurting Xayah, and from there it was easy for him to run around between all of his ideas and get it out.
Rakan blinked when she started to wriggle, and unfurled the clamshell of his body to give her space to move and get comfortable as she liked before wrapping and draping over her once more. Or..as well as he could, now that she was facing him.
He liked this better.
His ears perked up, and while he didn't flash a bright grin or warm smile, there was a familiar excitement and spark of joy there. Her hands cup his face and he can't help but melt into a familiar grin and tilt his head into one of her hands, almost bashful if he wasn't so full of himself all the time. It was easy to just enjoy the moment, the break in the clouds now that so much of it was just out of him, but then the topic of their conversation came floating back into his head, and his smile melted into something more apologetic. ]
The day you stop liking knives is the day I stop liking chocolate. [ He snorted with a laugh and grinned at the idea, but fell silent again in contemplation. He was more comfortable now, and could better sort through his thoughts now that the concepts were all out in the open. ]
I know. I know you would. I love that! I love you, and I love that about you. But babe, I don't--I don't want to put you in a situation where you gotta deal with that again. I don't want to ask that of you again. I don't wanna do that again. That's like the whole point of loving someone: knowing they'd do that without putting them in a situation where they gotta.
I know you don't wanna put me in a situation like that again either.
[ Aw yeah, a nose-kiss. Nose-kisses were so cute. She looked like a little doll when she did it, all cute and sweet. Rakan's ears pinned back and he leaned in to steal a kiss to her cheek. Just a little teaser. But then she made him have to answer things. He pouted. Looked like he just suffered atop ten anime betrayal. ]
Okay, okay!!
I mean. I am your first light, so pfft--obviously I'm okay. I'm gonna get that cross-stitched and hung on the wall, by the way.
But..if you are, yeah. I'm okay. I was worried about you keeping it all bottled up. You looked like you were about to explode over there.
And I think about the whole darkness thing? I didn't like the evil part. I can do without that. In fact, I will do without that. But there was a lot there. Like a lot going on.
[ And now for the seamless transition into dramatics: A toothy grin spread on his lips, his ears pinned back and his tail curled, like a cat ready to pounce. ]
It's so much, Xayah! Oh no!! I think--I think. I think I'm slipping! [ He let her go to fall backwards on his back and put an arm dramatically over his forehead. ] Only kisses can save me! I think it's bad! We might even need to make out!
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They can get it commissioned somewhere easy.]
I'm sorry... I didn't want to worry you. I was... [She shakes her head, ears remaining flat as well.] I wanted to make sure when we talked about it that I knew all the things to say because I didn't want you to think I was mad or upset with you or thought for a moment that I had stopped loving you in any way. But... that happened regardless.
[The darkness that still lurks within can and will be talked another day. Once she figures it out for herself a bit better. But if he's fine then she will try and worry less. She watches him with slightly wide eyes as he jokes and falls onto his back, once more demanding kisses from her. At first... she's not sure if she likes joking about what happened so flippantly but that's him. That's how he handles these things. And, in the end, he does it to make her smile. Which she eventually does. A small one.
Perhaps joking about it and saying her kisses are the only way that can save him is the best way to move past it. So... she can play along. Gladly for his sake.]
Oh no! [She places her hands to her cheeks, ears shooting back to their upwards position.] I'll save you honey! [The Star Guardian holds out her hands as if she's flying through the sky and flops on top of him as dramatically as she can. Xayah drags herself closer to him from her position on his chest and again places her hands on his cheeks and says in a much softer voice:] I'll always save you.
[Gently she places a kiss on his lips, keeping it chaste for the sake of this made up narrative. Like the prince waking up the princess. Her fingers move to thread through his hair, curling it around her fingers for a moment.]
I love you, Rakan.
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Xayah was the one that always thought ahead, whereas Rakan lived in the moment. Right now, things were fine. It was sorted out and they knew where they stood. What was going on in their heads. That might change in the future, and that would be fine by him, as long as they were still together.
He played the part as if right out of a soap opera parody with her, except instead of moving his arm as if to reach for her hand, he fished around in a pocket for some lip balm and made a whole display of prepping himself for this kiss. ]
Baby, but my lips! They're so....dry! [ She flopped on him and he huffed with an 'oof' and a laugh, and dropped the lip balm somewhere in the grass(never to be found again r.i.p.) to put his hands atop hers, and stare right into those pretty eyes of hers. She cooed, and a pleasant hum rumbled in his chest. ] I know. I'll always save you, too.
[ He chuckled and pressed his forehead to hers, enjoying and lingering in the chaste kiss given. He loved it when she played along. She was so cute, he was pretty sure she was more the knight in shining armor than he was, but he was fine with that. His hands slid down her arms and wrapped around her shoulders, holding her nice and snug without being too tight. ]
I love you too, Xayah. I'm not ever gonna stop loving you, no matter what. I'll always be here. We'll figure it all out together.
I hate seein' you so torn up. [ His forehead pressed to hers again, and he shifted a bit to get comfortable. Comfortable with the familiar weight atop him: his lady in his lap. His feet pulled in so his knees could raise on either side of her, better cradling her figure while his tail thumped slowly--rhythmically at the ground aside them. ] I'll try and be a little more patient next time.
[ Keyword: try. He would, indeed, try very hard. But he's awful when it comes to keeping things from Xayah. ]
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What a long and perilous journey and, technically, not over. The Star Guardians still have a lot of work to do. There is evil to defeat and fate to overturn. But until those big battles happen she'll be more than content in Rakan's arms. They're overdue for some one on one time anyway...]
You know... I had one of your feathers... I held on to it because it was the only piece of you I had. And then one day... The wind just snatched it out of my hand. I tried to chase after it but it was gone and I felt so stupid. It just felt like it was a sign and I just... could not stop crying about it. [She puffs up her cheeks a bit.] I was pretty uncool while you were gone.
[Critically uncool almost all of the time.]
I was such a mess without you... [It may not seem like it with how she formed a team and managed to train them up and succeed in getting him back. But internally she'd never been in such turmoil. It was different from the hellbent revenge. It was a longing so painful and powerful it felt like it was going to consume her. She couldn't even hear the girls talk about perfect romance comics without attributing it to him and crying into her pillow that he might be gone forever.] So... now you know. You better stay by my side or I'm at risk of you know... being uncool and crying all the time.
[It's not coming out quite right but she's telling him all this so he knows how important he is to her. How much he means to her and always has. And always will! She is constantly moving forward and charging ahead and rarely glances back but that's only because she knows he's right behind. He's always with her. But perhaps she should glance his way now and then. Reconfirm that they're still together because without him here... She felt utterly flightless. Painfully earthbound without him.]
You just keep being you Rakan... [She squeezes him tight in her arms.] With or without patience... I'll meet you halfway in the future.
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He looked up at her, quiet and calm. A little sullen, but the glimmer of wisdom hung on the edges of his expression. Perhaps of a lesson learned.
Being flashy before--he always thought himself invincible. And if he was invincible, he could always protect Xayah, come what may. But now, he knew he wasn't, and he couldn't risk that again. Especially after everything Xayah went through to save him. He seemed to focus back on her when she chimed in again.
Rakan liked to look at her and zone out. ]
What, t'ch..you? Uncool? [ He sucked his teeth and rolled his eyes with a smile. ] Pre-tty sure that's impossible. [ He didn't know where he was going with that, so he pivoted. ]
I got plenty more--oh, actually, what if we got matching necklaces? That'd make everyone roll their eyes and wish they were as cool as us, but probably with less magic in it. It was probably just me missing that cute smile of yours though. I mean my feathers are pretty good beacons.
Sometimes when it got bad, I'd try to bait your team in just to see you. [ What she was saying didn't come out quite right, but he got the message. What he said was a little all over the place, but he trusted she understood the different ideas and how they were all related. ]
Consider: you start sitting on my shoulders every fight and we beat them in games of chicken. [ A cocky, playful grin flashed for a moment before softening. ]
I gotta make sure to take better care of me, too. I can't make you worry about me all the time, babe.
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I was... Super uncool. You'd be shocked at how uncool I was. I think it's on video somewhere. Don't watch the vlogs... But I like that idea. I'd like to wear one of your fathers. And you should wear one of mine.
[Necklaces or... hair pieces? Something on their uniforms? They can workshop it. Maybe they can make a bunch of stuff and really accessorize. Later though... The now is what matters and with a content sigh she nuzzles into him as he continues to speak. With a delicate touch she runs her fingers along his chest, eventually settling where his heart is, savoring the rise and fall of his breathing. She truly can't express how glad she is that he's back with her.]
You better start... We can do it together. Less dessert more jogging in the morning? [She peeks up at him.] If you want to be part of my team you got to be the best of the best~ Did you assume you were going to just get to join because you're with me?
[She's teasing him, eyes crinkling and smile quite devious. He's, of course, on the team.]
Word has it you've been a bit of a bad boy and that might ruin our good girl reputation.